Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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