Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
