you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
