I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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