Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
