dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize