Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wish there were birth control emojis
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
