Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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