1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
