I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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