Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
