A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
