i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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