There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
