Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
