Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
