a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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