Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize