K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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