wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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