I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
