Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
