my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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