Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
