I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
