I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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