Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
