I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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