Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
