I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
