Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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