Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
