I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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