Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
