This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
