the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
