I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
