He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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