Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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