Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
