Fine. I'll sleep in my office
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
