She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
