i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize