stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
