Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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