Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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