...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
