Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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