Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
