New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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