I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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