Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize