she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
