It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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