I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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