I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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