It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish you could order shots online.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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